When you look at me you see the waves. You see the sunny blue sky. You see the surface. I am the masterpiece that appears on dentist’s office walls the world over. I am just above the monthly issues of “Time” and “Newsweek.” I am calming. I allow you to escape. You ask me “How are you Jay?” I respond, “I am great! Yourself?” You open your mouth and proceed to talk to the sea. The calming sea. The sea that has no problems. I ride with you. I laugh with you. I smile with you, and the entire time you do not realize that you are riding with the ocean in your car. You are having lunch with the depths of the Earth. You are on the phone with the aquatic ruins of Atlantis.

No. You only see the waves. You only see the sunny blue sky. You only see the surface.

I am a lie. A dangerous lie.

I am what lies beneath.

Just beneath the surface are my feet. These are the tools I used for the run. The run away from the shore. The run that eventually led to the dive, plunging me headlong into a sea of myself. The sea of me. Am I the only one here? These are dangerous waters and few have been able to survive them. This sea only asks for two things; understanding of it’s state and for you to maintain the secrecy of it’s many wonders. Yet many divers rarely make it past my feet, who upon receiving word that someone is attempting to publish their secrets, quickly kicks them into the current. Pick up your towels. Welcome back to the surface.

Deeper into this sea is my torso. My torso, fighting with all of it’s power to further plunge into this abyss of myself. This sea of me. I am here, struggling and fighting. And alone. Not by choice. Even at this point I have allowed other divers to join. The joy that I get while watching them attempt to brave this trek with me is only rivaled by the pain I feel when I realize they to will perish. They to will retreat, leaving me with feelings of betrayal and questions. If you made it this far, why would you turn away? Why would you retreat? I will not let this sea harm you. This sea of me.

At the depths of the sea, near to the floor is my head. My head feels the pressure of these depths. The pressure of outside influence attempting to make their way in. The water here is so dense that it works in effort to push me back to the surface. I know why I am here. I know what I am searching for. I just hope that it is here. Understanding. At this depth I am alone. I have not allowed another diver to reach these depths. Even when I try, this sea of myself ejects them. This wicked sea of me. No, here I am meant to be alone. Or at least it seems.

So many of you are standing on the shore. You are on the shore looking at me and wanting to dive in. I invite you. But beware, beyond these waves lies danger. Danger for the untrustworthy. Danger for would be pirates, only searching for personal gain. I am a public beach and I welcome all to bathe on it’s shores. Have a dip even, and the sea of me shall wash away your troubles and take them within myself. I take them and I tuck them in the depths.

But I can not be with you on the shore, for I am at the bottom. Alone. Where there is no light and little air. In fact there is only a bubble. I have no name for it. I am too confused here to cleverly title it. So I just call this bubble, Air. In this bubble I put all of my secrets. And if I am to die at these depths this bubble will float back to the surface. And in the face of you pirates this bubble will release the truth. The truth that lies beneath the sea of me.

plunge.

I’ll be your
If you command then I shall do
I am your
Demand of me all that you will
My heart, it’s beating
My mind and it’s reasons
For reasons I know not of,yet I
Know them to be true
I am your
Slave

There is no other way I can start this post but by thanking Charlie Brown. It is Oct. 11. Just around 2 1/2 months shy of Christmas and yet I am listening to “Christmas Time is Here” from the “Peanuts Christmas Special.” A bit preemptive I can admit, but there are times when I need the pick me up that only Christmas can provide. In fact I just finished designing a mixtape cover that I started on around the 4:30am (it’s 7:34am not) mark and I have been listening this song and the instrumental version since then. Of course I realize that it is not Christmas but I can’t help but to get into the mood of the season when I listen to this song.

The final stanza of the song justifies my listening to it this early in the year.

“Christmas time is here;
we’ll be drawing near;
oh that we
could always see
such spirit through the year”

Charlie covered all the bases.

What would it mean for us if we were to actually embody the spirit of Christmas throughout the year? Sure the “Peanuts” kids were only thinking of the upside of such a phenomena; the lights, the gifts, the snow, people being all around more pleasant. Just imagine leaving in this idealized utopia that is the child’s Christmas. A world where everyone is happy. Groups of people actually assemble themselves and sing carols. They sing carols with their sole purpose being to uplift others. I have only done this once. As a kid I remember singing carols with my church youth group. Of course I was too cool to actually sing and I was more focused on impressing my girlfriend of the time (who happened to be in the choir. Go fig), but I can remember people’s reaction. They were happy. The type of happiness that is only reserved for the Red and Green season. The type of happiness that one only thinks about under a mistletoe. The whole thing is so silly, and yet as I say that, I regret it because I too get very much engulfed in the Christmas spirit. Not so much the gifts. Not so much anything tangible actually, but just the idea of what it means. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas families try (or at least pretend to try) to become more close knit. Parent are more in tune with their kids wishes. Children are more concerned about upsetting their parents. This is the one time of year where you pray for rain because you know it signifies the possibility of snow. Hell, it’s the only time of year that I will wear a coat without being told to do so. Everyone is good during Christmas. Well almost everyone. At best there are two people to blame for any hardships and unpleasantness during this time of year: Ebenezer Scrooge and The Grinch. Not the Jim Carey versions of them either. I just blame them for shitty movies.

And while that idea appeals to the child in the me, the adult in me has learned to look at Christmas with a bit of a jaded eye. When I was a kid Christmas cost me nothing. My only job was to get there in one piece and mom would take care of the rest. I didn’t get much. I got enough. What I didn’t get my little brother did and we pretty much shared our toys so Christmas was usually good. Years ago when I thought of Christmas I would only remember the mornings. Waking and playing with new toys. Putting on new clothes and going to Grandma’s house to be around family, and I’ll admit, show off my new video games. Now that i am older I can remember a little more of the build up to the day. My mother would start our Christmas savings around Tax Return season (Christmas time for adults). So many times she would be so stressed about how she was going to afford all of what we wanted or how she was going to cover the debt it caused afterwards. I didn’t care about this then. Blame my ignorance but all I wanted was what I asked for and I didn’t care how it was done. Now, I wish I knew how it was done because Christmas is coming fast and I have a lot of loved ones that I would like to buy gifts for, and I am not exactly certain how I am going to manage that. I wish mom would tell me.

Which leads to my final thought. December 25^th 2009 will mark the first Christmas that I spend without my mom. While Mother’s Day was hard to get through and even my birthday, for some reason I know that Christmas will be the hardest of all. No one loved Christmas more than my mom and that is because no one loved Jesus more than she. She sang carols. She messed up the words and made up carols. She demanded we put up The Christmas tree even when we felt we had outgrown them. She woke and played Santa that morning, went to sunrise service to praise God and made it back in time to cook us breakfast and get us to Grandma’s house. I pray that she left some of that spirit here with me so that I can help to be a positive part of the Christmas season for my loved ones.

Hope this helps.

01. Learn to enjoy the sound of music.

02. No matter what anyone tells you, quitting in the right situation does not mean you are a loser. It means you are smart.

03. It is better to make things happen than to have them happen to you.

04. Play with children.

05. Always tip.

06. Marrying for love is a very post-modern concept. Prior to this time period the majority of marriages were for wealth, admiration, or political gain. (secretly they still are).

07. Reconnect with friends over social networking sites. Those memories will carry you much further than you can imagine.

08. Your parents are invaluable. Their love, compassion, concern, and guidance will remain with you throughout your years.

09. Visit your mother’s grave site.

10. Believe in God. I do not care which God you believe in, but believe that there is a higher power that placed you here and is concerned about your well being. The comfort will do you justice when you feel the world has failed you.

11. Do not let those who cannot find happiness in their own lives try and pass judgement on the happiness in yours.

12. There will time in life when you will be faced with great adversity. Furthermore, there will be time that you place a great deal of obstacles there yourself. Lock in, grit your teeth and fight through. You may take some bruises but you learn the value of a fight.

13. Let go when it is time to let.

14. Hold on to what’s worth holding on to.

15. Take part in your children’s lives. While you cannot totally shape their actions and decisions, your prescence in their lives can yield great outcomes.

16. Positivity. Have a plus sign everyday.

17. Always have an umbrella handy. It may rain.

18. You are not alone. In fact far from it. There are millions of people on this planet that are experiencing the same thing that you are. You may never find them, you may never know who they are, but there is a support group dedicated solely to you.

19. Attempt to learn another language.

20. Buy cheap potatoes chips, but splurge on the vodka.

21. Hang out with friends.

22. Do not underestimate the value of being broke.

23. Sit behind pretty girls in class. It will pay off. Everytime.

24. There are people who see the cup as half-full or half-empty. No matter which side of the fence you fall on, please find a way to fill the cup.

25. Read.

26. Enjoy art. There is something out there for everyone.

27. Do not make love. Let it make itself. It’s better that way.

28. Let all of your crushes know that you liked them. Not for a chance to get a date, but for the confidence boost it provides.

29. Fight uphill battles full-steam.

30. There is no such thing as being overly optimistic. If you can believe it, with the right amount of hardwork and dedication, you can surely achieve it.

31. Increase your web-prescence.

32. Write and record at least one song before you die.

33. Always wear clean socks.

34. Express yourself every step of the way. If your name is John, then your shoes, shirt, pants, socks, underwear, house, career, etc. should say “I am John.” Do not get lost in the shuffle of your own life.